2014, The Year of Peace

        

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          On April 2nd, 2010, right around 3:23 pm EST, my life took a drastic turn. It was a Good Friday but there was nothing good about that day as far as I was concerned. That was the day I experienced what pain is for the very first time in my life and because of that experience, my father passing away, I sometimes feel like the worst has happened to me and I can never be hurt again. I could be right, I could be wrong; regardless, I will never forget that day.

          For the next four years, five months and eight days, I would exist but I would not live. I call this period my zombie stage. I was alive on the outside, but inside, I was a soulless corpse. My psyche was in a place that I never want to be again in my life. Even though I thought I had returned to normal, I could not be any further from the truth. The life I led and the decisions I made during that time span were all influenced by a very fracture psyche that was my new normal. Unfortunately, I was suffering from the frog syndrome; I had become so accustomed to my pain and suffering that I did not even realize my personal state of affairs at the time was not a force to be reckoned with.

          But then, on September 10th, 2014, right around 6:17 am EST, I woke up both literally and psychically. My personal sun had risen once again and a new life had begun for me. A culmination of events and decisions had contribution to my new awakening and for the first time in over four years, I could finally see clearly through my darkest period of my present lifetime. On that morning, I found my peace! Yes, I found my peace! I still miss my father, the greatest man who ever lived, but the pain no longer has a hold me like before. I could now see the pain and suffering and encase it in peace and solace. On Good Friday, 2010, I was burned to charcoal but on September 2014, I was reborn as diamond. After all, a diamond is just charcoal that has handled pressure really well.

          So this blog piece is a special dedication to all my family, my friends (at home and internally) and my amazing partner. I would like to say THANK YOU for everything; for putting up with me during my darkest hours, for tolerating me and my errors and for celebrating the beauty of life with me during this new ongoing day. I can never be grateful enough. I may not yet be like a flawless piece of diamond, but thanks to you all, I am getting there. You are the beauty I seek, you are the love I have and you are the life I live. Thank you for a most amazing 2014, the Year of Peace, and for many more years to come!

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GOOD FRIDAY: APRIL 2, 2010.

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As far as I’m concerned, there was nothing good about that day. At 3:05pm, I just left work and was going to the store when the call came in. My world as I knew it changed for good. I have never been the same person and, to be honest, a part of me died that day as well. I got the call from my brother. It was something I never expected; something I never thought it would ever happen. I mean, it may be a natural thing. But when it came to the greatest man who ever lived, it was never supposed to happen. The greatest man who ever lived, my father, had just passed away.

An avalanche of emotions hit me that same moment. Time ceased! I felt shock, grief, anger, confusion, sadness and worst of all pain, in one uncanny, malefic, sledge-hammer, and soul-crushing slam on my reality. This was never supposed to happen. My father cannot die! He’s my father! There was still so much we had to, so much more I had to do for him, he never even got to see his future grand children from me! The last I remember of him when he was alive, was at the airport when he turned around one more time to look at me and call my name right before he went to the terminal! That was the last I saw of him; and exactly twenty-eight days later, he left this world. His life expired.

I could not even cry like I wanted to at the funeral. I had to stay strong and comfort my sisters. They were an emotional train-wreck! I had to step away to wail like a child, because if my sisters saw me, they would break down even further. My brothers tried to stay strong as well, but this was our father and one could only stay strong for so long. In my privacy, I let it all out! The pain never eased up, the heartache never faded! I’d give everything I have, everything that I am to hear him laugh once again, or hear him snore across the house once again. I’d give it all up without batting an eye, without even thinking!

It only gets a little more tolerable over the years, but the pain is still as fresh as spring water from the mountains. I burn a candle for him every now and then. I burn a candle on April 2nd of every year since then and on his birthday and I cry and cry. I have had to stop so many times during this writing to dry my eyes and catch my breath. This has been the hardest piece of writing I have ever done in my life. I have grown a little stronger, but the pain is still there. At this point in time, I feel like nothing else and no one can harm me because I have experienced the worst there is to experience. A part of me may have died that day as well, but as long as my father lives in my heart, the part of me that died gave birth to a new, stronger and improved me.

I miss you, Dad! I really do!

But I love you more and you’ll always be alive in my heart.